My husband was carrying our 16-year-old dog outside for a walk when the dog flinched and fell out of his arms. Her back legs were paralyzed in the fall, and given her age, the prognosis is not good. My husband feels terrible. But he can also put things out of his mind, so I feel alone in my sorrow. I fluctuate between blaming him and saying mean things (“You gave our dog a death sentence”) and knowing it was an accident (“No one meant for this to happen”). How should I handle my resentment? We are the parents of two children under 3, and we’ve been together for 14 years — so we need to keep working as a team.
WIFE
It’s hard work to maintain a healthy relationship, so I commend you for noting the sour dynamic that has begun to infiltrate yours. (We can’t fix problems until we name them.) Still, nearly every pet owner I know — and parent, too — has a scary story about an accidental dereliction: “The dog’s collar broke away from its leash.” “And then the baby rolled off the sofa.” “I didn’t lock the stroller properly.” You probably have one, too. There is no such thing as perfect caregiving!
Now, you don’t describe your husband as careless, so let’s assume he isn’t. My hunch is that the huge responsibility of two young children and a senior dog has made you (understandably) anxious about things that might go wrong. And your husband’s accident heightened your fears. You may also need more time to process your feelings than he does. Nothing wrong with that!
Discuss this issue with a close friend or a therapist. I would spare your husband any more talk about the “death sentence” he imposed until you understand why you can’t yet forgive him for an accident. And keep working on it. It’s great that you’re focusing on this problem before it becomes a crisis.
Honoring His Late Wife’s Wishes, and His Own
My father’s wife died after more than 40 years of marriage. He is still grieving. My stepmother was cremated, and her wishes were clear: There was a memorial service, and my father is to scatter most of her ashes at a remote destination; her sons (in their 60s) will also receive some ashes. The problem: My father invited my sister and me on this trip, but he doesn’t want to include her sons. He often played peacemaker between them and my stepmother. There was conflict as recently as this winter, and my father wants a peaceful trip. He doesn’t intend to discuss his plans with them because he fears disagreement, though I can’t imagine someone won’t ask about it. (We are all aware of her wishes, but she never said whom she wanted to be there.) I think his plan could create resentment. Thoughts?
STEPDAUGHTER
I think your stepmother’s plan — for your father to scatter some of her ashes, while also leaving a portion to her sons — frees your father to focus on his needs. It’s too bad the relationship with her children is difficult, but those are the facts. And a grieving husband should be able to say goodbye to his wife in peace. (Also, there was already a memorial service.) Yes, the sons may be upset, but they are adults: They can make their own arrangements.
When Water-Cooler Talk Misses a G Rating
I had lunch with a nice co-worker who used to sit on my floor. We work on different teams. The conversation got weird: He talked about eating goat penis when he was trying to have a baby. Then he told me about meeting employees of a sex toy company and describing sex toys. Finally, he said he heard there were topless pools in Las Vegas, where I said I would be traveling. I think he’s harmless, and I was paralyzed by politeness. What’s my best move when he texts again? I want nothing to do with him.
CO-WORKER
One quibble: You may have had good reason to tolerate your co-worker’s inappropriate talk. He may have more power than you at work. Or maybe you froze up. But keeping quiet had nothing to do with “politeness.” You tolerated bad behavior. And sticking up for yourself is never bad manners.
Now, you have a range of options: You can ignore your co-worker’s texts. (You don’t work together.) You can tell him you didn’t like his sex talk. Or you can tell a supervisor about it, so he doesn’t contact you again. But the important thing, to me, is that you know you could also have said, perfectly politely, “Knock it off!”
May I Butt In on Our Conversation?
As a health care provider, I spent my career listening to (and trying to solve) other people’s problems. Now that I’m retired, I find that family and friends talk exclusively about themselves with me. At the end of their monologues, they sometimes say, “Oh, and how are you?” as if they suddenly remembered their manners. I’m tired of this. Thoughts?
NEGLECTED
I’m sorry for your experience, of course, but I’m skeptical of statements like: “Everyone is selfish.” (They’re not!) So let’s flip this script: You spent your whole career not talking about yourself. That may play a role here, too. Jump in! The water’s fine. Don’t wait for an invitation. Just break in with something like: “I had a similar experience.” It’s not interrupting; it’s creating a two-way street.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to SocialQ@nytimes.com, Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
