My sister, her husband and I were guests at our nephew’s wedding. My sister and her husband have a tense relationship with our brother (the groom’s father), but I had been on good terms with him. I was seated at the family table at the reception, while my sister and brother-in-law were placed at a spillover table farther away. They were hurt by this and complained to my brother at the reception. He said he had nothing to do with the seating arrangements. Still, I decided to leave the family table and sit with them instead. This caused a rift between my brother and me, and we haven’t spoken since. He asked me to apologize for “ruining the wedding,” but I don’t think I have anything to apologize for. He doesn’t understand how hurt my sister and brother-in-law were. Was I wrong?
SISTER
I want to be gentle here because it can be hard to remember, especially with family members, that we are not the main character in every story. This event was a celebration of your nephew and his new spouse, not a meal in your childhood dining room. What did your sister and her husband expect your brother to do at the reception — change their seats during dinner? (Banquet tables can seat only so many!) They should have spoken to him afterward — or left, if the situation was intolerable to them.
And I’m sure you thought you were being kind to your sister by leaving your seat at the prominent table. But what you really did was pull focus from the bridal couple by taking sides in a squabble among middle-aged siblings. This party was not about any of you, despite your having effectively commandeered it.
Now, your brother is overreacting, of course, by accusing you of ruining the wedding. But you asked about your behavior — which, in my view, was unnecessary. You could have sympathized with your sister without leaving a hole at a prominent table. And the fact that none of you can see beyond yourselves, even still, seems selfish to me. I would apologize to the newlyweds for that.
Bon Voyage Sans Moi!
I just returned from five nights in Paris, where I had planned a vacation with a friend. We agreed to split the cost of an expensive hotel room. But when we got to the airport, my friend was told he couldn’t fly. His passport was expiring in July — after we returned — but France requires passports to be valid for three months from departure. He received a voucher for his airfare, but what should I do about our prepaid hotel? I would never have stayed at such a fancy place on my own, and my friend urged me to go after he was told he couldn’t. But I don’t want to be unfair.
FRIEND
Live and learn! I didn’t know about this rule until I read your helpful email. I see this question more as an issue of friendship than of obligation. (Your passport was in order, after all.) And whether your friend pays half of five nights at the hotel or the typical penalty of two nights’ cost for late cancellation — which he would have been responsible for, had the two of you chosen that route — may not be materially different.
Still, I’m glad he encouraged you to go. We all make mistakes, and he didn’t want you to suffer because of his. (Nice friend!) So look at your budget and see if you can offer him a small rebate — perhaps bringing him closer to what the cancellation penalty would have been. Don’t go in hock! But it would be a nice gesture if you can afford it.
Family Planning With Total Strangers? No Thanks.
I am 53 and the mother of a 12-year-old daughter. It was difficult for me to conceive, and after I gave birth, I was told I couldn’t get pregnant again. I am perfectly content! The problem: Strangers are relentless in wanting to know why I have only one child. I say that one was enough. “But you’re so young!” (I’m 53.) “Cameron Diaz had a baby in her 50s!” (I am unable to have another child.) “Stranger things have happened!” How do I make this stop without being rude?
D.
When I was a kid, a person might have short-circuited these interrogations by saying: “Why do you ask?” It tosses the inappropriateness back to questioners gently. But I find strangers more intrepid today. (Maybe rampant oversharing on social media has led us to expect it everywhere.) Make a small joke: “I don’t discuss my reproductive organs with strangers. Do you?” If they persist, walk on.
Mosquitoes, You Can Swat. What About These Kids?
I am 11½. I begged my parents to let me go to sleep-away camp this summer. They wanted me to go to the babyish day camp near our house again, but I said no. So, now I’m at camp, and I hate it! There are kids everywhere! What do I do?
MAX
I felt the same way about camp, Max! And even though I never loved it, it got better once I found my people. Spend as much time as possible doing activities you like, and don’t be afraid to hang out with adults. (The camp nurse was my favorite!) Keep me posted, OK?
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to SocialQ@nytimes.com, Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
