My 10-year-old daughter attended a sleepover recently. It was hosted by a family we have known and trusted for eight years. I consider the mother a personal friend — not just the mom of my daughter’s friend. So, I was alarmed and, frankly, furious when my daughter told me that the mother had distributed melatonin gummies to every girl at the sleepover. I think it’s dangerous to give medication or supplements to other people’s children. I have already talked to my daughter about what she should do if she’s offered medicine when I’m not around. But how should I handle my friend’s major breach of trust? Should I confront her or just move on knowing that I can no longer trust her?
SHOCKED MOM
There is no question that your friend made an error in judgment when she gave your child melatonin without your permission. But the only way this story makes sense to me is if your trusted friend believed that the gummies — a version of the hormone our bodies produce naturally when it’s time to sleep — were harmless. They are sold over the counter, after all, and short-term use by children your daughter’s age is generally considered safe.
Now, that doesn’t erase your friend’s error, but it suggests a more benign explanation: misunderstanding, not betrayal. And it makes your sustained reaction — shock, alarm, fury — seem a little over-the-top. You don’t mention anyone suffering ill effects from the gummies. Yet calmly discussing the episode with your good friend and sharing your expectations for the future doesn’t appear on your menu of possible responses. (And no, a confrontation is not a discussion.) Talk to her nicely!
We all make mistakes, mothers included. It would also be wise to verify the account of a 10-year-old child. You are absolutely entitled to your honest feelings, even your strong ones. But now I urge you to put this episode in perspective before you damage a long friendship or decide to abandon it.
You Can Hold the ‘Milady’ and Still Hold the Door
I have a great boss, the best of my career. She reports to a woman I also respect and admire. The issue: As a man, how do I mind my manners with these women (opening doors for them, for instance, or helping with their luggage) without treating them like damsels in distress? It seems as if I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.
EMPLOYEE
I was right with you on your excellent question about behaving courteously at work until your last sentence. Who, exactly, do you think is “damning” you: your terrific boss or the woman she reports to? I don’t see any victims here, and you don’t mention any complaints. You are simply working through the ways that greater gender equality today affects older behavioral norms — as many other people are.
Now, I can attest from years in the workplace that treating colleagues nicely is always a hit. If you get to a door before a co-worker — male or female — hold it open. Ask any colleagues you’re traveling with if they need help with their bags. Thoughtful gestures create good will. But I doubt your superiors are looking for old-time chivalry from you — carrying them over puddles or helping with their coats.
Get Well Soon! Now Scram.
My husband and I visited dear friends at their cabin. It was the latest of many visits. We were invited to stay for five nights. On the evening of our arrival, though, I developed a cold. We could tell our hosts were uncomfortable with my illness, so, in the morning, we offered to leave. They agreed. I know that offering to leave was the right thing to do, but our hosts didn’t express sadness at our departure or gratitude for our offer. These trips require a lot of planning and a big grocery bill for the provisions we bring. Did our hosts behave badly by not acknowledging our sacrifice?
HURT
This is a tough situation! I certainly understand your disappointment that your vacation was cut short. But I also understand your host’s relief: We are highly infectious during the first days of a cold (or a Covid-19 infection). So, I would appeal to your logic here: Your friends have invited you to their cabin many times. They really enjoy your company! Use that as a stand-in for the apparent lack of disappointment they showed as your car pulled away. It’s unfair to judge friends by their enthusiasm for catching our colds.
We’re All Grown-Ups Here: Let’s Pay Like It
Our 40-year-old son and daughter-in-law make a nice living. My husband and I are retired. But when we go to dinner with them, they never offer to pay or split the bill. It’s gotten to the point that we invite them only to lunch because we are tired of treating them to expensive meals. We thought they would take the hint, but they haven’t. We can afford to pay, but we feel resentful toward them. Advice?
MOTHER
Why on earth would you let yourself resent your son — whom I know you love — when fixing the problem would probably be as simple as saying: “Bring your wallet. Dad and I think we should take turns paying the bill.” Many adult children need a nudge into grown-up arrangements with their parents. So, speak up — and order dessert.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to SocialQ@nytimes.com, Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
