Shortly before my sister died, she told me she wanted me to have her collection of formal dresses. She offered to ship them to me, but I suggested that she leave them in her closet, labeled with my name on them. At her memorial service, I thought it would be insensitive to mention the dresses to her grieving husband. Still, the subject came up: My brother-in-law told me that a friend came to their house two days after my sister died and, despite his protests, pushed her way inside and took the dresses. He refused to tell me who the thief was; he wanted to avoid conflict. But I have discovered her identity. I don’t want the dresses back, but I want to tell her how upsetting her actions were. Am I wrong?
SISTER
The part of your story that seems most illuminating to me — and perhaps explains its odder details — is that you and your brother-in-law are grieving. I am sorry for your loss. But I would wait to call the woman who has your sister’s dresses — partly out of respect for your brother-in-law, who doesn’t want you to contact her, but also because of the nature of grief itself.
I have made and received enough condolence calls to know how strangely they can go. I have left several of them with unwanted books and records and, in one case, a sinfully ugly vase — all of which were pressed on me. Right after my mother died, I urged a visitor I barely knew to take her pearl necklace. I have no idea why! When we are grieving, we aren’t always thinking straight.
Now, the story of the dresses may have unfolded just as your brother-in-law told it: A friend stormed his house and stole them. But that seems unlikely. And since you don’t want the dresses back, I would postpone calling the woman until you and your brother-in-law feel more like yourselves and can discuss whether anything he said might have sounded like an invitation to take them. For now, focus on the real loss here: your sister, not her formal wear.
Standing Up to a Bully, and Her Mother
Two years ago, my daughter (then 9) was bullied by a group of students at school: They called her a loser, refused to let her play with them and shoved things down her pants. It was a nightmare. We got her to another school, and she is now thriving. The problem: My friend’s daughter was one of the bullies. We got through it, but late last year, her daughter resumed the bullying at a dance studio the girls attend. I reported it to the head of the studio and to my friend. My friend stopped speaking to me after telling me her daughter hadn’t initiated the bullying; she was “just chiming in.” I ignore her when I see her. But soon, we will all be traveling to a dance competition that involves shared flights and hotels. How should I approach this mom?
DANCE MOM
Don’t waste another minute on this woman. Parents who rationalize their children’s bullying, as your friend did, or fail to intervene quickly to stop it have already shown their true colors. (And if your friend’s child is aware of her mother’s response, she now has her tacit approval to continue the bullying.) Instead, press for a zero-tolerance policy at the dance studio with serious consequences for all bullies — even those who are “just chiming in.”
One Step Away From Disaster?
My father-in-law is in his late 70s. We have noticed a weakening in his gait and overall strength. It makes me nervous when he carries our young children on the stairs. We are leaving our kids with him and his wife for the weekend. Is there a respectful way to ask that my mother-in-law carry our newborn on the stairs?
DAUGHTER-IN-LAW
You and your spouse are responsible for safeguarding your children. That requires about a million judgment calls. Personally, I don’t understand your focus on stairs: Tripping and dropping the baby anywhere could be disastrous. And what about driving, bathing and all the other parts of caregiving?
Err on the side of caution here. And don’t dance around the issue: There is too much at stake! You and your spouse should share your specific concerns with your in-laws directly and politely. If that’s too awkward for you, make different child care arrangements. There is nothing disrespectful about keeping your children safe.
Regrets and a Rain Check
We were invited to our niece’s wedding on the East Coast. (We live on the West Coast.) The bride’s mother told me they want an intimate affair and chose a weekday to keep attendance low. But we don’t want to travel so far for an event where we will probably spend only a few minutes with our niece and her family. May we decline the invitation and offer to take the newlyweds to a celebratory dinner later? We don’t want to upset anyone.
AUNT
An invitation is not a subpoena. Decline it soon and say, “We can’t make it to the wedding, but we hope you will let us take you and your parents to a celebratory dinner after your honeymoon.” That wouldn’t upset me at all.
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