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HOLY SHIT WHAT IS UP I AM SO STOKED YOU’RE ALIVE! It has been exactly nine days since September started, which means you’ve trudged along for over a week without the guidance of your horoscopes while Mercury was in retrograde and eclipse numero uno happened. It’s also almost one-hundo-p my bad: Susan Miller had her Astrology Zone ‘scopes up right on time give or take a few, plus an Augustian switch-and-bait. But I knew you’d be okay. THIS MONTH RULES. Besides, here we are and here you are, so let’s get down to brass tacks and test if you even read the horoscope intro by seeing whether or not you can tell me in the comments what I should have for lunch today. Because that is literally the only thing Susan did not guide us through this month. En garde!
You’re a Virgo who can’t drive but so what because it’s your birthday. Happy birthday! We’ve got a lot to cover in a short span of time so I’ll probably ignore the boring stuff if you don’t mind. Two eclipses this month: one happened already on the 1st which may have given you a bit of a rocket boost and/or shined some Lion King light over all that you’ve achieved in this past year so that you can finally appreciate it for once; the second will occur on September 16th. Hold that thought for a sec because don’t be fooled: Mercury is still in retrograde until the 22nd which is causing your life to feel super messy. Try to make zero decisions until that planet gets its shit together, if you can.
(Susan gets all ominous by saying that the second eclipse on the 16th is going to fire up your house of commitment and partnerships and apparently what happens during an eclipse LOCKS IT DOWN during an eclipse and any decisions you make are hard to reverse.)
If it’s a life or death or job situation, you know. Be sane about all of this…
B O R I N G — BRING OUT THE CAKE!
Let’s talk about your lucky days, September 25th and 26th, when Jupiter is conjuncting the sun, which is like planet sex, and we know that planet sex is like rabbit sex in that a million babies shoot out after and in this case the babies are all good vibes. Speaking of sex, on the 27th you’re going to fall into “a bewitching period for love” (no pressure but it lasts until November 8th) and on the new moon of September 30th, ask for a raise. Lean-in Autumn is here!
Cheer up, emo kid. LIFE JUST GOT SO GREAT!!! Jupiter — the happiest planet in the universe that somehow doesn’t annoy you in the morning even though it’s way too cheery and doesn’t make you want to punch it in the teeth even though it’s always smiling — is coming to stay with you and your sign starting September 9th…which is today! Jupiter is a great house guest. It makes breakfast and cleans up after itself, knows when to give you alone time (like if you have a “friend” over, which you might!) and then it sends you flowers you’re not allergic to exactly one day post-departure as a very thoughtful thank you. And if it breaks a wine glass or eats your food, it apologizes and reimburses you in a dramatically unnecessary way!
To make room for Jupiter you gotta clear out the bad stuff. Do whatever that means for you, but do it with force, vigor and apple cider vinegar.
If you’re single and don’t want to be, you won’t be for long. By all means download apps, but can I offer up my own advice? Sign up for three activities right now that you always say you want to sign up for, then actually go and see what happens. It’s still nice out and people are in such great moods and everyone has their summer glow. Save the swiping for the dregs of February when you’re really just doing it as your sole form of exercise, you know?
September 25th and 26th are the luckiest days of the year for everyone. The full moon on September 30th is pretty spectacular by way of luck and planetary assistance, too. (Susan said it hasn’t been this good in over 10 years and she’s been doing this forever, so that’s saying something.) Use these days to get exactly what you want for every facet of your life — a job, a book deal, a sandwich, a raise, the list goes on if you let it. And if you need an excuse to push off the meetings that might set these things in motion, use my favorite excuse in the Berger-Post-It-Breakup-Cadence until the 22nd: I’m sorry. I can’t. Mercury is in retrograde.
Hey Scorps! Hmmm…so, not uncommon (omg did I just scare you like when the doctor is looking deep into your various caverns and then accidentally says “hmmm” out loud? Does one even say “hmmm” or does one conjure it from his or her evil subconscious in order to freak out another human? Sorry!) but it looks like August was a working month for you. A real pain in the ass. Maybe that’s why you were at the doctor’s and I had to use the word cavern. But this is not about Uranus!
It’s about Mercury and Jupiter in Virgo conspiring to not only make September your best month ever, but to make it highly social, fun and full of bacchanalia as opposed to academic, corporate or spread-shitty. Skrrrt: I know that you love yourself some alone time, so remember that you can be social with yourself, too. When’s the last time you hung out with you? All she/I mean is: no more 9 p.m. desk sushi. In to work, out of work, no lingering about for a document. Oddly, Susan says some contradictory stuff later about how your social life is “costing you” this month (OH MY GOD I AM SO SORRY SUZ I DON’T MEAN IT!) so just make sure that you’re not irresponsible about the partying if you do get in the mood for it. Happens to the best of us when alcohol and cheese fries are involved.
The 26th and the 27th are going to be great days for all, but here’s what Susan predicts specifically for you: “The meeting of the Sun and Jupiter on September 26 will likely bring a professional breakthrough that makes you so gleeful, you’ll be dancing on the tables.” Okay, so see what I mean about alcohol and cheese fries? September 30th will only further your career-related luck.
And one more word about Mercury in retrograde: remember that it’s not all bad even though I’m acting like Claire Danes in Homeland and being very dramatic about it. If you run into someone from your past right now, there might be a reason. If they don’t throw up red flags, let them in. And if they do, throw up on them.
If you have not only been feeling like a slug but also burping up slugs ~* SPOILER ALERT, KIND OF*~ like certain people in Stranger Things (whoa, hello disgusting thought continuation from the horoscope above you!) for the past year — and let’s say these slugs are metaphors for your career and your energy and your ideas, well THANK THE GOOD NEW MOON AND THE TWO ECLIPSES BECAUSE THEY ARE KICKING YOUR SLUGS’ ASSES INTO HIGH GEAR.
Keep all of that in the back of your mind if you still feel like your momentum is trapped in molasses because remember that we’re still in the thick of a Mercury Retrograde which is no doubt ruining your life in other ways. The BS ends on the 22nd and by October 15th you’ll feel back to normal. This is so boring. You know when you literally bore yourself mid-story but feel like you have to tell it anyway because you started and you’re a Sagittarius, not a quitter? Here’s what you care about (which really means here’s what I care about and I’m projecting):
Money will start to come in around the second eclipse on the 16th, including a trickle in from projects you’ve been waiting on. When it comes to love, you’re either going to fall into it or grow in it. You’ll be luckiest on the 25th and 26th so now’s your chance to join a Leprechaun Club. Come the 27th, all the planets will basically be asking, “WHAT DO YOU WANT” like Noah Calhoun from The Notebook but with less aggression, more tenderness and more ways to make it happen for you.
The 30th is great too, sorry for the novel and I hope you learned something.
First of all, get out of town. Not because you said something shocking or because I don’t want you here, but because Susan wants you to travel close to the time of the first eclipse (we have two this month and one just happened when September shot out of the gate — second one’s on the 16th and we may or may not talk about it depending on how fed up I get with finger typing). If you can’t travel because you have school or work or something, that’s totally fine and if you wanted to get deep I could make up a whole thing about how your mind or eye can travel separate from your body, but also, no one argues with the word diarrhea. Say you have it for the month and your boss will say no more. Tell them you can spell it without referencing Google and they’ll give you a raise. I forgot to tell you about all of this: the point of the travel is to trigger a bunch of sure-to-come new beginnings.
Travel sort of permeates your whole month. The difference is that on the 16th — the second eclipse — you’re set to travel again but this time a bit closer to home. (Again: Travel with your brain, your eyes, your telekinesis mind games that allow you to transcend all of this time and space crap.) Also, this round of travel will signal the end of things. Bring your ribbon jar that you never got rid of after the trend died in your hometown and get ready to tie up all the annoying shit that’s been flapping in the wind into neat little horoscope bows.
Speaking of wrapping it up... (Yes I’m in your brain.)
Jupiter in Libra is lighting up your house of tenth honors and achievements. You’re crazy well-positioned for raises and accolades and major career upgrades. The luckiest days of the year are the 25th and 26th, so strategize the scheduling of all meetings with people who you need to say yes, including your parents, with those days in mind. And then on the 30th, two words: Prestige Worldwide. (IDK what I mean by that but it’s all good things.)
I HAVE SAVED THIS FOR RIGHT NOW JUST IN CASE ANY OF THE SIGNS DOWN BELOW ARE TRYING TO SNEAK OUT OF THIS PARTY EARLY:
It’s eclipse time, baby. Ohh yeah.
What does that mean? Nothing and everything because we’re amid a Mercury in retrograde that ends the 22nd. We had our first eclipse already on September 1st: That’s going to trigger new beginnings. Saturn’s being kind of cranky about this and throwing up some obstacles within these new beginnings, so think of the beginning of September like your Oprah vision board and then once we’re in half #2, you can execute.
We’ve also got Merc retrograde in middle making a Fuck Your Shit Up Salad. Same thing, be patient. It’s over the 22nd and by October you’ll have your life skates on. Life skates are like ice skates minus borrowing a stranger’s shoes.
So what are some good days to know that translate into news you can use?
I think you’re getting a job offer on the 16th. On the 25th and 26th, shake the hand that’s been sticking out to you all month regarding some sort of agreement involving money. You’re going to be productive this month, which is ironic considering how long it will take you to read your full horoscope on Susan’s site, but let me tell you something else: You’ve got romance written all over your sign. Text me how the date goes!
Hey goldfish, I just ate a handful of you and then accidentally sat on at least five more (my apologies to your sisters and brothers) which crushed a nice orange powder into my white couch but who cares because I already spilled a Diet Coke all over the same couch cushion.
I am SUPER BORED of talking about the eclipses and I run this rodeo/just told you about your sisters and brothers, not to sound like Tony Soprano or anything. I’ll give you the short version since I can tell you’re mad: There are two, one happened at the start of the month and the other one is happening the 16th. Eclipses mean change — new beginnings, new ends — and leave a lot of room for interpretation. We also have Mercury in retrograde, which is going to make everything feel backwards in addition to breaking your iPhone 100 different ways, but I think it’s going to numb the changes until it goes back to normal on the 22nd. Then we have Saturn and Mars in your career house which apparently is complicating all of that, but take comfort in knowing that Susan predicts it’s all going to work out. And truly, she doesn’t predict stuff a lot…
UHHH on the 16th you’re for sure going to DTR with someone. Prep your brain for that conversation but don’t get weird because A) what is meant to be will be, might as well come to a head now and B) it will go in your favor. Lotta good stuff coming your way with this eclipse numero dos.
Love is lovely until the end of the month (and it’s especially sexy from the 27th until NOVEMBER 9th — hi!). Also, not that your life is about the male, female, or anyone who isn’t you gaze, but Susan Miller loves an old school compliment and guess what she said? Come the end of the month you’re gonna be turning hella heads.
She said hella! She didn’t. I’m lying. I just don’t want to start Aries.
OH HEY ARIES!!! I was totally just talking about another Aries up there lol. You don’t know her. Let’s talk about you!!
It’s Bonnie Tyler season, which means we’ve got not ONE but TWO total eclipses of the heart and other things in the sky (like the full moon on the 1st and the 16th). The first one affects work and health (sounds like you should take a *sick* day and play little last-summer-hurrah hooky?). The second one’s also health-related so get a wart removed or something. It’s your life and that wart’s just living in it. There’s also the whole issue of Mercury still retrograding like a wallowing friend of yours who won’t shut up about a breakup and is bringing everyone down with her — especially at the bar. But I have more or less been doing the same thing for at least FIVE of these horoscopes and if you’re one of the psychopathic ten who read all of these top to bottom then good lord holy Jesus how are you still breathing? So let’s give the people what they want, shall we?
The people want love! AND YOU SHALL HAVE IT! Jupiter’s in your solar seventh house of commitment from the 9th until October TWO-THOUSAND-AND-SEVENTEEN. That is longer than a year if you do math good. This means that if you’re single and whining about it you may no longer have anything to talk about over drinks with people you don’t know what else to talk about with. Although you can always talk about a new relationship. And if you’re taken then you can deepen your love in ways that involve sitting cross-legged and crossed-eyed and whatever you have to do to take it to the next level in the next bedroom next door.
Venus is hooking up the hookup too and she’s thinking about marriage BUT REMEMBER!!! The word marriage doesn’t have to be used in such limiting terms when it comes to horoscopes. You can start a marriage with absolutely anything that’s important to you (work in a non-obsessive way, art, a new hobby, a platonic partnership, a lampshade if you ever watch TLC).
As for anything else you should know: September 25th and 26th are the best days ever for every sign so don’t feel too special but also don’t not, and the 30th is the cherry on your Cool Month pudding.
Hi. This month I have never been more proud to call myself a correspondent of Susan Miller’s planetary brain because she began our horoscope…in the voice…of STEFAN.
“September has everything – two eclipses, September 1 and 16, a gorgeous new moon September 30 (one of the sweetest of the year), and the move of Jupiter to a completely new sign it’s not been in since autumn 2004 through autumn 2005. Also add in Mercury retrograde August 30 to September 22, and to top it off, the luckiest day of the year will arrive this month in the last week.” Granted, she didn’t mention a single abandoned baby elephant in an alleyway, but maybe they’re in Leandra’s uterus!!!
Anywho, what’s happening for you guys? Let me tell you what’s happening for you (us) guys:
For one thing, we’re not getting into eclipse or retrograde details because honestly I have had it and if you need to read about them in direct correlation to our sign, please visit www dot susanmiller dot com. It’s just too much and I have too many other things to say.
LIKE NUMBER ONE: LOVE. This is probably the seventh month that Susan Miller said it’s going to happen, not to mention the psychic that I saw at my friend’s bachelorette party who told me I was literally five months out from meeting The One — which, if you can imagine, puts so much pressure on the entire male species because when I meet anyone who even might have a peen I’m like how are you what’s up tell me about your parenting style.
My tailor has forbidden me from coming to see him until I get over this.
Anyway I’m a romantic this is probably the month.
And if it is not? LITERALLY who cares. We have a lot of other things to talk about like our career — Susan says this month is the most creative we’ll have felt in ages, and everyone knows creativity translates to money, our health because it’s always important and when’s the last time you saw a doctor (or a gym considering that everyone stops going to the gym in June, right? Team pact to get back on it) — anyway, now’s the time to work on it/watch it soar/do you think we should take parkour lessons together? And, oddly, travel. She wants us to travel at the end of the month which I haven’t planned but I never say no to a burrata festival, do you?
Of course you don’t. You’re a Taurus, too.
Sooooo. About halfway through these horoscopes, because I was Kevin FED-erline the fuck up with writing the same thing over and over, I sort of glazed over the whole thing about Mercury in retrograde — like yeah yeah the planet is giving you the illusion of spinning backwards even though it’s not really spinning backwards and yet the planet’s gravitational force is so strong that the mere ILLUSION of it doing something bonkers is causing us to drop our phones in toilets, run into our exes and suddenly forget how to work the remote control at least 100 times more than usual. But it’s even crazier for you, Geminis, because Mercury is your RULING PLANET.
So I ask you: When Mercury’s retrograding, does it feel like the first half of Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead when everything’s a total mess? Or does it feel like the second half AKA you bought the red power suit and you’ve got it on lock?
Genuinely curious. Like I am not Susan Miller despite what you may think at this point so I’d love to know. But what Susan did say is that this month is going to absolutely rule for you regardless of sneaky Mercury, so something tells me that yeah, you did buy the red power suit. Who cares with what card.
Anywhoons! This is a month that will be ideal for a whole damn slew of things and also, I keep getting interrupted while writing this so I don’t know what I’m even saying anymore. It’s a good time for you to redecorate no matter what your roommate says, enjoy your flourishing career (just wait until the 16th), find true love and/or high five your current lover until uhhh like, October 2017 (so no rush) and then sing “Oh Happy Day” for your lucky days where you can do literally whatever you want on September 25th, 26th and — drum roll please: the 30th — because the stars are aligned! #WHATRETROGRADE
Bless you if you read all that.
LET ME THROW MY HANDS UP IN THANKS. FOR ONCE IN THIS WHOLE SLEW OF SCOPES, I HAVE SOMETHING NEW TO SAY TODAY.
First, boom: Susan Thriller says that if you have a book idea or a script written or a vision in your brain that needs to come out — anything of that nature, the eclipse has lit your third house of communications the fuqqq up. What if you write the next Stranger Things? I know, it’s my only pop culture reference right now. But you know the drill, right? No planet is going to take your fingers and make them start typing. You have to do the thing you keep telling yourself that you’re finally going to do. (Tomorrow! You promise!) What the planets will do is give you that push you need.
Next up, we have the second eclipse on the 16th that primes you for travel. Don’t have any plans? Make them. It’s like baking but without the carbs or so I’ve been told. Besides, it will extend summer. Fall weekends count too, you know.
Okay I think that’s a good-enough transition for us to talk to you about your crabs:
“In this extraordinary month,” writes Susan, “Jupiter is moving to a new sign, one of the biggest news of 2016 as it glides into Libra on September 9 to stay thirteen months…” Still with me? We’re getting there. Not gonna make a lube joke. “Home and family matters will soon begin to shine. The home is the one area the little Cancer crab cares about most, so this coming trend will make you very happy, helping you make your home your happiest place to be.”
Okay. All I’m saying is that “little Cancer crabs care about homes” sounds an awful lot like “crab-crabs/bed bugs love the home AND YOUR PANTS.” No? Just me? Scarred by a recent Sex and the City rerun? You know the one. With Charlotte? Okay. Just keep your eyes on the prize, get checked and be safe — especially if you’re in travel mode!
I think I’ve said enough. But last thing: your lucky days are the same as everyone else’s but equally as bright so use September 25th and 26th to your advantage. Need ONE more day to make real-deal moves? Gotchu. The 30th is a third try to turn that lucky key.
Here we are. At the end of the world’s longest horoscopes I have ever written. If you start at the top and get all the way down here to the bottom you have essentially read the entirety of War and Peace minus absolutely any literary substance.
Um, I’m sorry: “It appears a completely new source of income is about to come to you, and it will be a more generous amount than you had earned previously.” — ??? THAT’S COOL.
You can thank September’s new moon, the sun, Jupiter and Mercury for that. They’re breaking it the hell down in your communications department of the stars or something which means that this magic money is going to come less from the sketchy drug run department and more from anything that has to do with writing, editing, word crafting, bird calling or that vague major that your parents gave you shit about but you just had a feeling was the one, or at least better than taking anything involving finance.
Speaking of finance! The second eclipse this month — the one you may or may not have heard by now is taking place on September 16th, I know my poor editor sure has — is going to “accent” your finances. Maybe that means it’s going to sound French, maybe that doesn’t, but I do know that A) Susan wants to make sure you’re smart about investing it and not spending it willy-nilly on freaks named Billy, but also B) it solidifies exactly what I opened your ‘scope with. In case you have amnesia. I sure do after writing these so I can’t imagine what you’ve gone through.
It’s been a journey, hasn’t it? Between you and I.
Speaking of journeys and these segues! You’ve got a lot of travel coming up in the year ahead so Susan thinks you should buy a car…just don’t do it until after Mercury in blahblahblah. But listen! Your love life is directly linked to travel per Suz, especially if we’re talking about that September 23rd date and beyond (which we are). So IDK, maybe you get into hitchhiking or Uber Pool if you can’t buy a car. Maybe you buy a car and drive it as an Uber Pool to make some money! The world gives us what we ask for and I’d like a nap.
No car at all? Not even a little bit so stop talking about it? Fine. Just know that a change is coming to your love life. Susan stressed this. You may not resolve the change until Saturn cuts the shit it’s stirring (which it is, quietly, in one house or another of yours) ONE YEAR LATER in December 2017. That’s a long time, but maybe it’s just enough, you know? “Until then,” writes Susan, “Saturn will tutor you in matters of the heart…so listen up to all that Saturn is showing you, and you’ll be all the wiser for it.”
And there you have it, Lions and Owls. Now what do you guys wanna talk about?
Illustration by Cynthia Merhej. Get your own Anya Hindmarch Virgo zodiac sticker while they’re hot!
Written by Menswear Style
24th August 2016 / How to Dress for Success on Your First Date
So you’ve finally worked up the nerve and asked that cute girl you see almost every day in the coffee shop near work if she’ll go out on a date with you. You might think that you can relax because the hardest part is over, but no matter how nerve wracking the asking was, I can assure you that the actual date is going to be just as (if not more) stressful.
There is one thing you can guarantee will go well though – and that is your first date outfit. There are also a few faux pas you can make sure to avoid, but as a barmaid who has watched many first dates succeed and fail I can tell you that if you nail the outfit, you can get away with (almost) everything else going wrong.
So go out, do some shopping, use coupons from sites like Discountrue.com if you want to save and have a few perfect date outfits ready and waiting for when you need them. If you’re an average guy, I’m going to assume you’re probably clueless about fashion in general, but especially about what works for a first date outfit – and what doesn’t.
Before you even open your wardrobe doors and start picking out what you’re actually going to wear, PLEASE groom yourself. And by groom I mean clean under your nails, shave off that 5 o’ clock shadow (or if you insist on having a beard then trim it, comb it and maybe oil it), get rid of the jungle taking root in your nose and ears, clean up the scruff at the back of your neck, and run a brush through that tangle you call hair.
DON’T wait until the day of your big date to get your hair cut because that freshly shorn look doesn’t suit anyone, and please DON’T try a new hairstyle until after you’ve had at least 5 successful dates. Remember that first dates are like job interviews, only you’re interviewing for the position of a potential life partner and you should want to look your best.
I don’t care HOW sexy you think that striped button up makes you look. Whether it’s a pin stripe or a boat stripe, dress shirt or casual – whenever I see someone wearing one I think they’ve come from work. And unless they’re at an event that calls for it, a guy wearing a tie is normally too uptight to be good boyfriend material. No matter what kind of date you’re going on, something with a V-neck always works best.
It could be a polo shirt, a casual button up, a dress shirt or a tee-shirt. Leave the collar undone (but not so undone that we get a glimpse of nipple) and lose the tie the minute you don’t need it anymore. A round neck is a bit too casual, unless you’re wearing it underneath a button up. And if your shirt hangs below your belt then tuck it in, unless you’re wearing it completely unbuttoned.
Khakis, and especially chinos are probably the most versatile pants you own. They are normally super comfortable, and depending on the top you wear they can be smart or casual. But forget about them when you’re planning your first date outfit. SERIOUSLY. There is just something about a guy in denim that sets our hearts a-pounding, and paired with the right accessories you can look as dressed down, or as dressed up as you like.
Overly distressed denim is out, but a slightly worn in look works well. Wear dark denims if you’re going on a formal or night-time date, and light denims for a more casual, daytime date. And opt for denim that fits, not too tight and not too lose. We want to get a good look at your behind, but we don’t want to be able to tell what kind of underwear you like. Also straight cuts are your best option, with narrow legs or even slight boot legs we might start wondering if you’re shopping in the ladies department.
I don’t care if you never suffer from the cold, or it is a hundred and millionty three degrees. Take a jacket. Girls don’t have thick man skins and we often lose our jacket or opt not to bring one because it ruins our outfit. If you have one to slip over our shoulders when we get chilly your brownie points go through the roof. You also never know what the weather is going to do, and a shivering man with goosebumps is NOT attractive at all.
Sport coats exaggerate your more masculine features by making your waist appear narrower and your shoulders wider (a look we’re drawn to whether we know it or not), and they can dress up even the most casual t-shirt and worn in jeans. You can’t go wrong with a leather or denim jacket though, they give off a certain charming bad boy vibe we like a lot.
The girl you’re going on a date with may not be a fashion diva, but if the planned activities for the date don’t call for them and you show up in running shoes, dress shoes or (shudder) slip on loafers – you’re tanked. You can almost never go wrong with leather shoes, and leather boots have the same effect on girls as leather jackets and well-fitting denim – we absolutely adore them.
At the end of the day, your shoes should suit what you’re going to be doing on your date. Hiking boots for hiking, lace ups or Brogues for an evening date, sneakers (that haven’t been worn to death), driving shoes or even moccasins for a daytime date and sandals for a day on the beach or by the pool (that’s the only time they’re acceptable). And please make sure they’re clean and polished if necessary. Dirty shoes equals uncaring in our minds.
When it comes to accessories for the first date, there is a fine line between just enough, too little and over the top. But walking that line is not too hard as long as you keep one thought in mind – would you show up to an interview with that on? Normally a nice watch is more than enough jewelry, although you can get away with a fine chain or bracelet that you always wear (not gangster style chains, or bracelets all the way up your arm).
PLEASE make sure your belt matches your shoes, because when they don’t it can throw off your whole outfit and draw the wrong kind of attention to your crotch area. Make sure that it is not too heavy or chunky for the rest of your outfit, and that if the buckle is detailed it’s not something too outrageous or kitschy. Again, it’s going to bring the WRONG kind of attention to your crotch area and give the impression you’re not serious about the date.
Now that you have read this you should have a pretty good idea of what works well for a first date outfit, and these tips can apply to the all the “still getting to know you” dates that are hopefully going to follow. If you need to do some shopping to stock up on any first date items, then please don’t do it on the day of the date – those clothing ‘fold lines’ and the new shoe smell are pretty distinct and will make you look like you’re trying too hard.
Firstly can I just point out that this really is not a guide to being 25 and single. Guides are cool and really useful obviously otherwise how else would women know to put their mascara on upside down and underwater for maximum volume but this is not one of them. If I was qualified to offer any balanced, sensible advice on how to be happily single and 25, which I’m clearly not, I would have already taken it and be busy eating sorbet in the fall sunshine with a young Stewart Lee look-a-like not trying to smell my own breath cupped in my hand, writing about how hard it is to find people to have sex with. Being 25 is sort of like a second puberty except instead of the no pubes to pubes thing it facilitates the transition between your ‘blurry and mysterious profile pic’ phase to your ‘pleading with friends to upload your bikini selfies to Instagram’ phase. Anyway, like I said, this is not a guide. Think of it instead as a series of lessons learned which you too will probably experience should God deign you strong enough to face this totally crap section of your twenties alone. On the upside, I hear 30 is great.
You are way less judgmental of yourself but way more judgmental of everyone else
Thankfully by 25 it’s quite likely you’ll have stopped feeling like you’re committing capitalist blasphemy by not trimming and grooming your fleshy body to within an inch of it’s life. Instead you may come to take comfort in the gradual flattening of your chest and widening of your bottom, which yeah sounds completely depressing but it just isn’t, my leg hair is about an inch long and the part of my brain which used to give a fuck about it appears to have dissolved entirely. The problems arise when you start to notice other people noticing. Because women are generally brought up to understand their bodies in terms of value, the minute we feel strong enough to shake off the pressure of objectification the fact that some, less enlightened, people might judge us for it becomes intensely aggravating. Hence why when I take the overground now I glare at anyone who I think might have even noticed my furry calves. I fixate on the angle people are holding their iPhone cameras, ready at any moment to launch into a tirade about unfair beauty standards as they continue about their day oblivious to both my insulated legs and burgeoning fury. This is what I mean about being 25 – you’re a confused mess. Take yourself to bed.
You toy with the idea of being alone forever
Being 25 means you’ll probably have been through the relationship mill a few times and you’re feeling basically quite over-milled and like maybe you’re not up for being milled again for a while. As you sink into life as a loveless, responsibility-free human, chances are you will begin to appreciate having an entire bed to yourself and being able to eat meals consisting of only sweet potato four to seven nights a week. Yes you can wear that tracksuit for the 12th day running and no I won’t tell anyone you spilled a cup of tea over your pillow; I am you and you are me and my sole objective is keeping all your most awful secrets. You start talking out loud to yourself and developing rituals that simply do not allow for the presence of other people (sacrificing birds, bathing in menstrual blood, clipping your toenails and putting the clippings in a little pile on your bedside table) and you think, yes, perhaps, yes, I will be alone forever and that will be fine. Just not when I’m drunk.
You develop a set of completely unreasonable expectations for your future partner
The other thing about being single at 25 is you become aware that the next person you actually like loads and loads has the possibility of being someone you spend an extensive period of your life and potentially breed spawn with. The more time you spend alone wrapped in your tea-stained duvet the more time you have to gleefully imagine what this mysterious, majestic creature will be like and the more likely you’ll begin to imagine them in the form of a young Stewart Lee (yes him again). If I had to tell you how many times I’ve been advised to lower my standards recently I would tell you that it is three times. Yes three, not that many really. But enough for me to feel suitably put out. Is it too much to ask that I want my potential life partner to sometimes wear painting overalls, to understand trainers but not feel the need to wear them all the time, to love me desperately but leave me alone a lot and not sleep in my bed too often but miss me absolutely loads when he doesn’t, and to have lovely arms like a cactus without needles? Is that too much to ask. Really. I mean just think what I can offer him in return.
You will realize you need to get fairly good at something
Although my mom spent much of my childhood advising me to find a rich husband after all these years of searching I seem only to have struck upon a selection of genuine maniacs. Annoyingly this means the plan to marry a billionaire, quit work (lol) and spend the second half of my twenties in Florence writing poetry is looking less and less likely. Everyone knows the average age of a billionaire’s spouse is 22 – at 25 you’re looking at a millionaire, just, and even that might only be in assets. Bearing this in mind, now might be the time to channel a bit of time and thought into figuring out what you’re going to do if you actually have to live out the progressive, feminist, independent life you always lied and said you wanted. No, it’s good news. No, it is.
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The millennial female’s middle finger is a well-filtered Instagram photo with just the right caption.
Obviously we can’t flip anyone off with our actual middle finger anymore because it’s too busy cradling the back of our phone, but that’s fine: the “Fuck You, I’m Hot” photo is not only a more subtle clap back, it is, on so many levels, way more satisfying.
Abbreviated, “Fuck You, I’m Hot” becomes “FYIAH.” (That “A” popped in there when we took out the apostrophe — a nice little addition that kind of makes FYIAH look like FIYAH, as in fire, pronounced with Matt Damon’s accent in Good Will Hunting. This is fitting: you are on fire when you post one. It is your moment.)
Here’s how it goes down.
Let’s say you’re seeing someone. Now let’s say you’re suddenly not! Who knows why — this person cheated on you, broke up with you, ghosted you, the list goes on. But now you need both the world and the dumper to be clear: you are doing very, very well, thanks. The easiest way to communicate this? Through a “Fuck You, I’m Hot” photo.
(Note: FYIAHs can also be posted as a response to a dramatic lovers’ quarrel or when there is no actual drama at all but your goal is to get a certain someone’s attention. Ahem!)
FYIAH shots cover a few different visual scenarios. There’s the beach pic — this one’s a classic. It’s a way to show a lot of yourself while still feeling appropriately dressed, versus, say how you might feel documenting a view from the bath.
(If the latter doesn’t bother you, congratulations! That’s advanced FYIAH, phase two.)
And then there’s the Team pic, for which you are given veto power by your crew to bypass their various “I look gross in that one” complaints and post a shot that is all about you. You are also offered empathy and patience when the photo needs to be taken again and again and again with the understanding that in the event of turned tables, you would reciprocate.
Next, we have the “Me Time” pic, which can include the bath shot, though more typically the “Me Time” involves you looking hot while doing something active and healthy.
There are also Environment pics: photos intended to show that you are in a better place, both geographically and mentally, than you were when involved with Whatshisface.
As with any text that accompanies a strong visual, your caption holds at least 40% of the photo’s power. It must be vague enough that you could never be called out, but passive aggressive enough that the recipient gets your message. It could be as simple as a single, perfect emoji. It could be an inside joke. The keyboard is your oyster and you are a pearl. (Word to the wise, though: no quotes.)
The time of day you post must be considered: will this person for whom I don’t give a damn have phone access, service and enough emotional bandwidth to experience a visceral reaction? You’re not posting this for no one to not see it.
Likewise, the poster should be considered. If Ugh, Whatever follows your best friend, try to get her to post the FYIAH photos for you. Not only does this make you look loved and innocent (“Oops! Didn’t see you there with all this wind in my hair”) it reinforces the fact that you do not give a fuck.
An informal poll among humans at bars and in group chats informed me that while women may be able to unpack the meaning of your strategically-angled collarbone, men are like, “I’ll get to it eventually, or just keep living out of this suitcase.” They see that you look good and happy and shiny, but…they’re likely never going to admit that they were wrong. If they want you back, it’s because they had a “change of heart,” not a scroll through Instagram.
But whatever. According to Beyoncé, the best revenge is your paper. And since social media impressions are this generation’s truest form of currency, that middle finger of yours is now worth at least a million bucks.
Collage/illustration by Emily Zirimis; featuring an Hermès beach towel.
Peter Lindbergh’s iconic images have served as flashpoints in fashion media for decades. So it follows that the just-released 500+ page Peter Lindbergh: A Different Vision on Fashion Photography ($70; tachen.com) offers an incomparable history of fashion, designers, models, and art luminaries—as well as showcasing the German lensman’s minimalist, mainly black-and-white style. The over 400 images included in this luxe collection are broken up alphabetically by the designer his subjects are wearing, starting with Azzedine Alaïa and ending with Yohji Yamamoto. (The book coincides with a major retrospective of his work at the Kunsthal in Rotterdam, the Netherlands, which opened this month and runs through February 2017.)
The real stars of the book—no offense to Tina Turner, Pina Bausch, and Madonna—are the models. Lindbergh is credited with ushering in the age of the supermodel with his shots of then-rising stars like Christy Turlington, Linda Evangelista and Naomi Campbell. It was a 1988 British Vogue image of Evangelista, Turlington, Karen Alexander, Estelle Lefebure, Tatjana Patitz and Rachel Williams grouped on a beach, all wearing only crisp white button-up shirts, that caught the eye of the just-named American Vogue Editor in Chief Anna Wintour. (Lindbergh’s shot of Israeli model Michaela Bercu became the cover of Wintour’s debut issue later that year.)
Another key pop culture moment stemmed from Lindbergh’s 1990 British Vogue cover which featured models Evangelista, Turlington, Patitz, Campbell and a young Cindy Crawford. Singer George Michael saw the cover and apparently quickly booked all five models to star in the video for his new single “Freedom! ’90,” which further helped move the women into the mainstream.
Scroll down for a peek at some of the amazing images included in this covetable collection. Then, pick up a copy wherever books are sold.
Kristen Stewart has definitely made the hair color rounds. We’ve seen her in everything from her dirty blonde locks in Panic room, to her signature brunette tousled waves as Bella in Twilight, to other variations of blonde. Basically, she’s not afraid of a beauty risk, which makes her one of our favorite people ever, obviously.
And with that, you should know Kristen made yet another drastic cut and color change. Up until last night, she was sporting an ombre lob, but now girlfriend is all about that platinum pixie.
Frederick M. Brown/Getty
I could not love this human being anymore. New hair vibes. ❤️❤️❤️ #bestcollaborator #kristenSTEWART #hairbyADIR #bleachedhair @chanelofficial
A photo posted by Adir Abergel (@hairbyadir) on Sep 22, 2016 at 8:08pm PDT
LIVING for this.
If there was any way for the Chanel dinner to get even more stylish, Kristin Stewart knows how to get it done with a good ol’ hair switch-up.
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She doubled the shock (and chic) factor by not only debuting a noticeably blonder hair color, but also a noticeably shorter ‘do. It looks a tad longer than your standard pixie, but it’s definitely not a bob. The genius behind the look, you are probably wondering? That would be hairstylist Adir Abergel, who was also responsible for Emilia Clarke’s blonde locks at the Emmy’s.
It’s not exactly a brand new color for Kristen or anything, but that doesn’t mean it’s not fly as hell.
When it comes to style, this Barbados native will never ever be accused of stepping out in anything that’s less than 100% Rihanna.
On Thursday evening, the Anti songstress visited one of her oft-frequented Manhattan nightclubs, UpDown. Rihanna also celebrated her 2016 VMAs Video Vanguard Award at the West Village club in late August, where she schmoozed with rapper pal Drake, Jaden Smith, and Amber Rose.
The “This Is What You Came for” diva arrived in style, showcasing her unique flair in what can be described as a pleated, off-the-shoulder sweat suit. RiRi complemented the heather gray ensemble with a gold chain-link choker, a gold and diamond Huckleberry Ltd. “Don’t Trip” necklace ($5,000; huckleberryltd.com), ivory sunglasses, a Louis Vuitton handbag, and a pair of white Fenty x Puma lace-up boots with black racing stripes.
Rihanna wore a bold red lip with the club-ready outfit, and topped off her look (literally) with a polished topknot.
RELATED: Rihanna’s Fenty Puma Collection to Debut at Paris Fashion Week— Here’s How to Watch It Live
VIDEO: Favorite Rihanna Beauty Moments
All hail the master of on-trend comfort and the queen of Drake’s heart.